Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
