I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize