your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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