he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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