Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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