if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
