do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
