The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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