just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize