Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
