Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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