what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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