Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
