things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
