You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
