I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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