I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
