I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We don't watch enough power rangers
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
