is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
porn star boner night. come get it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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