...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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