Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize