I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
