11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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