i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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