I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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