I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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