so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
