see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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