Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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