My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
