Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
