I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
