I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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