Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
