I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you never un-have a 4some
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
