are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
