I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
