I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
