Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
