Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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