How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
