Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
