are you still at the devil's house?
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
