So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
