I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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