good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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