All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
