atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
