Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
