My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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