you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't make out with my wife yet
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
