I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
