and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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