Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
