Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
