It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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