I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
