I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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